There’s no denying that David (of David & Goliath fame) and Jonathan (King Saul’s oldest son) knew each other biblically in The Old Testament. Despite some scholarly objectors, who insist their bond was purely platonic, the dynamic biblical duo’s story gets gayer by the minute.
When hot, young David catches Jonathan’s eye, it’s love at first sight. Right on the spot, Prince Jonathan strips naked (gay sign #1) and offers David his haute-couture wardrobe made of rich, exotic fabrics (the time’s equivalent of cashmere): "And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle." (1 Sam. 18:4). The pair becomes inseparable and even makes a covenant of mutual undying love in the name of the Lord (kind of like a marriage ceremony—gay sign #2). When the King—jealous of David’s growing popularity among his subjects—finds out that his son the prince is actually a queen and is in love with David, he tries to kill the latter. After a few failed assassination attempts, sneaky King Saul decides to offer David one of his own daughters in marriage, with one dangerous condition/request for the humble shepherd: 100 foreskins as dowry (gay sign #3), in hopes that David will soon find his death in his treacherous genital quest. But the brave hero apparently gets, well, the hang of it, and in record time brings back not one, but two hundred foreskins (gay sign #4). In the meantime, Jonathan finds out about his father’s plotting against David and whisks his beloved off to a secluded location, far from prying eyes and the dangers of the court. Still afraid for David’s life, Jonathan finally tells him to skip town, and on that occasion: “[…]they kissed one another, and wept […]” (1 Sam. 20:41-42) (gay sign #5). Years go by and eventually Saul reconciles with David, while Jonathan is killed by the Philistines, on which occasion, David utters the following words: "I am distressed for thee, my brother Jonathan: very pleasant hast thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, surpassing the love of women." (2 Sam. 1:26) (gay sign #6).
Platonic? Sure. But only if Plato was gay.